Dec 8, 2015

I have grown up

Heya guys.

I just realized that I have grown up. I will start to work in january hopefully. It all depends on the schools side. I would have a place, but if my studies will start to go down, I would have to stop working. Education is more important, but with out my paycheck we can't move anywhere with my love.. and that is something I seriously want to do because there would be way too long way to school and job If I keep living there where I do live now. School is already one city over and my job is going to be 2 citys over. I can't afford fuel if I can't get an apartment nearer by. I am on my way to adulthood.

Even school has been going a bit better now, I have showed up in time, even tho I am still sick. I had to move my waking up time by 30 minutes earlier to get here in time, but its not such a big sacrifice. Biggest problem on it is that I almost fall asleep while driving. But when I get used to this I'm sure it will start to go easier and better, without the risk of losing concentration. I am at school now, and I feel fine. Medication has been working properlyI assume, I don't get the mood swings I used to and I don't feel so down all the time. I even cleaned the house a bit and have made dinner a couple of times. Those skills are truely need on living independently. I dont wanna live in a pile of garbage or starve myself because I am incapable of making dinners for myself..

We start a new class today so I gotta go. See ya babes!
-Rebella Darkstar

Nov 23, 2015

Whatever comes ahead

Hey you.

I have to open up a little.

I have one thing in my mind... Even tho my biggest source of stress is over... I don't know how to let it go.. It is really hard.
I thought about it last night and I didn't sleep at all.. How can I leave this behind me? I would tell you what is going on but I am forbidden to. I can only say that about in a month I will get the final answer to this. And then whatever comes ahead I have to accept it. That is the scariest part.

If everything goes wrong I have to live with it the rest of my life knowing that they did not believe me, me who was telling the truth. Will truth always find its way? Will karma really give back all the bad things or not? Whatever comes ahead, I know I have to live with it. I know I have to accept it. I dont know what to do, I cant tell anyone what is going on. It's forbidden, and I am not sure will I ever get the peace in my mind.

 I just want to cleanse myself from all the bad energy that is left but what if I can't? What can I do? Forgiveness is too much. I can't forgive and forget. If things go right, can i still get over this? I'm sick of thinking about this everyday. It has already been 2 years. Everything seemed to go well, but when I heard his voice. I cried and cried. I was shaking and I felt sick to my stomach. All the bad memories, got on my mind once again. It came to my head like a film, like a really bad horror movie. I felt the fear again. No one seems to believe me because I did not react like many others would do. Just because I am not like others, they think I am lying. To me that is hurtful.

Ironically this is one of my fav songs now

Here's all I need to say now. I love ya'll


Nov 9, 2015

Need you like a drug

Heya guys!

Well.. Im not good at starting these updates so I'll cut to the chase.
I'm doing better. Just got to school after two weeks. First week too depressed to do anything and my sister and my nephew/godson moved to our place. Second week I was getting my pills fixed so I could finally live properly. (Before its too late) I think now I feel better than I did. I thought my situation was not so bad, even tho I felt really shitty all the time. I thought it would never get better. But thanks to the pills Im starting to be myself again and feel happier. Also I've been jumping around like a Duracell bunny. I started with 10mg of Ecsitalopram now Im taking 20mg. This is the first medicine in my whole 5 year treatment that has not made me feel like a zombie. Do any of you have the same medicine? I would love to hear your experiences.

About the apartment thing. No luck so far. Everyone of the apartments I've seen are too expensive or too far away. I dont want to move far away from home cause I need their support to start an independent life. I cant just crash and be an adult. It does not happen overnight, I kinda thought that I would have grown or got some random wisdom when I'm 18 but ofcourse it did not happen. Life is not a fairytale. Anyway Alexander might get a new job soon, so we could afford the apartments and other living. I'm still studying so I cant get much, and I'm way too weak to get a job and study at the same time. If I had it in me I would do it. Even tho we have to live pretty tightly.

And one other thing that is really important to me.  I know some of you think I'm being with AleXander to get money. I want to say to all of you, THAT IS NOT TRUE!
I really love him. I'm being with him cause I want to share the rest of mylife with him. Only seeing him to get along with my relatives makes me cry of happiness. I hope you all understand it now!
or atleast try to. I'm young yes, but being seriously together as a couple is not end of "free" life. It just means that I want to share the adventure called life with him. We can still go to bars and have fun. we can still travel. We can do everything, I just want to do it with him.I dont know why you all keep thinking I dont deserve love? What makes you think of that? Because I am different! Because I am myself! Could this world just open its eyes and see that differences are good?! If we all are the same, life would be super boring. Whatever you think of me or of us, you can keep to yourself unless you can say it like an adult and not just shouting anonymously. Thank you!

I know I sound selfish. That I want him all mine. But the real thing is, I want him to be mine as long as he wants to be. He will be my only one as long as he wants. I will not force anyone to be with me. I really really hope you can see that. Just please, let us be happy.

Well, thats all for now I think. I hope you get a better view of my life now. I'll get back to studying- heres a song for you to listen:
Bye now!
-Rebella xoxo

Oct 8, 2015

Happy One Year Anniversary My Darling!

Heya guys and chicks!
It has been exactly one year since I met the love of my life  AleXander<3 My handome little Metalhead <3 I love you so so much <3 This has been one of the best years in my whole life and I'm really glad I have you my angel! <3
"I hold your hand in mine
I hold your hand and you're so lonely
Oh so lonely
Your eyes have lost their light
Your eyes have lost their light and you're empty
Oh my God you're so empty

I'm in love with you
You are my heaven tonight
I'm in love with you
You are my heaven tonight"

I don't know where I would be without him. Possibly in my grave. I can't wait to know what he has in mind for tonight, I mean one year anniversary is maybe not a big deal for you but.. for me Its something I wanna remember the rest of my life. One year together is the first milestone on our journey of life togethter. I find it really important and romantic, it is a moment you can never get back.
We've had a great year, lots of kisses, lots of hugs and cuddles, little bit of fights, lots of new experiences and most of all so much love. Love in general. I've felt more loved than I've felt in years <3
I think that is all I've got to say for now. 

Toodles ~

Sep 10, 2015

Don't cry, I'll cry for you.

Heyy guys....

Here's the situation now. I'm seriously done with everything right now.
I hate school, I almost can't afford it and this is stressing the sh*t out of me...
I don't know how much longer I can even leave my house.
I'm in a situation that I've got 4 friends but almost no one can afford or have time to come at my place. I can not afford to meet them myself either. This depression is getting too hard for me to stand again...

Do you know the feeling when you wake up in the morning, crying because you know you have to go to school, that you have to see people who make fun of you, who laugh at you when there is something you cant do, who remind you how sad you really are?
Do you know what its like to stay at home alone without friends, having nothing fun to do?
Do you understand now why I feel bad?
I know it might sound pathetic but to me, that's something really big.
Do you know the feeling when you are really tired, but dont want to go to sleep because you know, that tomorrow will come faster?

I cried couple days ago because I couldn't afford staying at AleXander's for the night.
I feel bad about even leaving my house cause I know it costs money I dont have, and then there is our 'wonderful' goverment, they have decided that students have very limited amount of money, I get 15€ a month, not even enough to cover my gasoline ( only going to school and back home) for a week..
I hate this. I hate it so much. I have no energy to go to work, my depression wont allow it.

I'm clueless, what should I do.. What can I do.. I actually dont want to live but I dont want to die either. This is just wrong, but I hope this life will get better.

Im gonna go now, I should be studying again. Bye dolls!


Aug 29, 2015

Hauntingly bittersweet

Hey you guys!

I've been getting really powerless. I'm so stressed and mad and I'm driving everyone else round me crazy, and I think I'm catching a cold. I have been sleeping almost all the time after I got out of school yesterday. ( got home, slept, went in my boyfriends place, slept- Today we went for business, slept, went to work, and waiting patiently to go to sleep because I'm so freaking tired.

Friday morning was really hard for me. I have really bad tires and I was so tired. I was scared the whole way to school.
The lunch was just horrible, I couldn't eat. CAFETERIA WAS TOO FULL OF PEOPLE! We had some really crappy tortillas... Like c'mon, like our city had enough funds to do it properly. I did not bother to stand for 30 minutes before I could even see the food.. I just drank some coffee and left.
Otherwise school is being fine, tiring, but fine. My head ached really bad, and my throat felt just.. I don't know how to describe it. Just painful.
I'm still not gonna miss school unless I'm in the condition that I can't drive.

I've got some new friends. Two really awesome women. They're little bit older than me but we are in the same level in our humor and all.
I guess I could say they saved my school. I think without them I might of quit school.

Apartment #2

We went to see another apartment today, IT WAS PERFECT!
And the ones who rented it were really nice. but... They told us couple hours later that they rented the apartment to some one else and once again we have to try to find some place else.
some how it's really hard to find an apartment in here because no one wants to rent any apartment to someone who has pets unless u have a significant amount of money. It's like no one trust us that we can pay IF our cats destroy something ( they never have before)


I've been into Ghost really much lately. They released an new album 21/08 called Meliora.
Every single song just makes me shiver like crazy. I absolutely freaking love them!

Here is a top 10 favorites of mine from the Meliora: (It only has 10 songs :D)
  1. He is
  2. Deus in Absentia
  3. Spirit
  4. Absolution
  5. Cirice
  6. Majesty
  7. From the pinnacle to the pit
  8. Mummy dust
  9. Devil church
  10. Spöksonat

I just love Papa Emeritus' voice ~ so calming and gentle but the lyrics are dark enough for me <3


I somewhat told you already what I did today, up there^
But I want to tell about our workday. I went to work with AleXander. I can't remember that have I ever told you what he does for living (?) He is an personal assistant.
So today there was his boss' daughter's birthday party. we were lucky that almost every guest had left before his shift started. I was just playing with the girl and eating cake. Thats it. I don't know what was so special about that. :P
 I don't know what else to say. I'm gonna go to sleep. Night babes <3


Aug 20, 2015

Tick tock,theres a crazy clock

Hello my darlings...
Turned out we didn't get the apartment and that made me really desperate of our situation...
We don't have much money and I still live at my parents and I can't get money from anywhere because my parents have a decent jobs.. Our social care only counts how much they get paid but not how much it really costs to live in a big apartment and all the food for our big family.
I would really like to start training myself to be independent and try to be an adult but... our country won't allow me to do so.. unless I get a job to get some cash, but I can't get a job until I have finished school. I can't finish my school without money... THIS SITUATION IS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!

♪  To the sound of the monstrance clock 
Air is cleansed, assembled flock
Black candles burn, all minds aligned

To the sound of the monstrance clock 
Air is cleansed, assembled flock 
Black candles burn, all minds aligned
As the parish sighs in smoke 
Enters the lady revealed of cloak 
To the haunting sound of the monstrance clock 
Come together, together as a one 
Come together for Lucifer’s son
To the sound of the end of day 
Mesmerized, the assembled sway 
Black candles burn, all minds aligned
Hypnotizing horns of ram 
Paralyzing pentagram 
And the eerie sound of the monstrance clock  
Ghost B.C- Monstrance clock

I have some good news from AleXander. He will be going to Children of Bodom / Lamb of God gig in December with his friend :3
I'm not going cause I don't have enough money to go. Yes, I'm a bit jealous but I'm also happy for him.

I've been in School :o

I'm actually at school right now, and we have having a some soft of class I have no idea what we are exactly doing. Computer stuff. :P
I have some friends in here and my class is fine, no one bullies anyone and everybody mostly minds at their own business, in a good way. I don't mean that anyone is being ignorant.
Anyway I really have to concentrate on studying right now so I'll blog ya later.

- Rebella Nana

Jul 27, 2015

Hopes up!

Heya guys.
I'm gonna do a fast update because I'm soooo exited and hopefull.
Me and AleXander might get our first apartment together!
This apartment is reallly nice and in a very good place! There is multiple pizzerias (haha), couple grocery stores, bus station, swimming hall, and AleXander's sister lives almost next door :3
Its not too big or too small. Its perfect for our little family. And Im sure our cats will love it too. Pray for us! :3
I'll link couple of pictures here. Just a tiny bit of paint or new wallpapers and its as good as new.
Love ya!
-Rebella Nana Darkstar~

Jun 22, 2015

Life as it is now

Hey ya guys!

It was mid-summer feast going on here, and it was disappointing because it was really cold and raining almost all the time. I did expect a little bit warmer weather. I was not sure what we we're going to do to celebrate it, but I spent the time with my honey, and family., we went go to see the bonfire,and went to my grandmothers house to eat some strawberries and crepes, and we went to sauna and got wasted. (No just kidding, we drank only one per head. Haha :D)

I've been driving quite a lot lately, and I can feel it in my wallet. I can't believe why gasoline is so fucking expensive. I really like owning a car because now I can move from place to place easily and see my friends more, and I can listen to good music and just relax. And one of the good things is, that we can go shopping like whenever we want to.

We've also been going to this one mega-sale arena pretty much, because it has almost everything I need.
For example AleXander and I bought my mothers birthday present, (flower basket and foot lotion).
And we found a great deal, -40% of all gaming keyboards, and we are actually writing this with it. This is one hell of a good keyboard, it has blacklight, touchpad, wrist rest, silicone button cover, multiple profiles (one for gaming, one for every day use etc.) which can be set by its own cd-installable engine. (Aivia K8100 V2 by GIGABYTE).
And for me, we bought body scrub, and body butter (raspberry & blackberry scented).
And these mind blowing polymer balls, they come in tiny bags, and they cost only 1 €/package. (Mine aren't from the brand "Orbeez")
Once you put these tiny tiny balls in water, they begin to grow, and after about 24 hours they are fully grown about the size of a marble. They come in different colors, and there's also clear ones. AleXander loves the clear ones the most, because when you put them into a clear glass full of water they become invisible! They are used for indoor plants or in crystal flower vases to release moisture. They look extremely pretty!<3
What I use them for is as a decoration and as for therapy (relieving anxiety).
 I place them in warm water and just put my hands in there, you wouldn't believe how pleasing it is!

A Fun Story:

One night when we were cuddling in the bed, with grieving hunger for candy, we got a wonderful idea... Lets go to ABC (24/7 gas station) to get candy. At first we were kidding, since it was, 2.30am.
but then we decided to dress up and hit the road. At first we tried to push the car off the front yard, so the engine starting noise wouldn't wake up my parents, but we weren't able to manage that well. So we just said ''Fuck it, lets just go''. The sun was starting to rise, and it was silent everywhere, like a ghost town, we only saw like 2 or 3 cars while going to get the goodies.
We arrived, and we went straight to the candy idle. After five minutes we paid our bags of candy and left. And it was still dead silent everywhere, we even took the other way home which was bit longer... Still no cars, no pedestrians, but we did see bunnies and a cat. Black cat just ran by our car in the middle of the road, and we all know that is not good... But we are both still alive and well breathing.

I think it's time for us to go to bed now, Its reaaally late. Good night darlings! <3

- Rebella Darkstar  & AleXander The Reaper

Apr 22, 2015

Updates finally! My past half a year in a nutshell

Heya guys..
Ive been absent for half a year.
That is just upsetting. Ive been really really depressed lately and Ive had no energy or time to be here and update. I love all my readers  and Im sorry of all this time with no updates or posts. I dont even know how to start anymore.

Everything has been great and Ive been up to a lot. Me and AleXander are together and in love.
I love my honey more than anything<3

1. X-mas: was like everyother. Hanging around with my family, eating good, visiting relatives, watching the snowman and of course sauna. AleXander was with my family and I just loved it <3

2. New year: Hanging around with family, watching some fireworks, eating good and having our New year's fortune telling.

3. Easter: I didnt even celebrate. I was mostly pissed cause the stores were not open.

4. My birthday: Celebrated for 3 days :D You only turn 18 once in a life time. First and the real day I was ofc with The Love of my life. We went in a restaurant for and awesome dinner and after that went to see a movie called OUIJA. It was great! <3
Second day I went in a night club with my sister. It was fun, I was drunk as hell, I almost lost my purse.
Third day I was drinking with my sister again, we were driving around (We had a sober driver) and It was fun.

I started driving school and Im almost a happy owner of a drivers license :3
I also started working but I dont get paid almost at all. 2 euros/hour. I think.
I also got a small tattoo on my left arm and Ill post pic of it down below. Also a variety of my make up looks and other creative stuff.

Stay cool my Warriors, Love ya~

~Rebella Darkstar ♡