Nov 23, 2015

Whatever comes ahead

Hey you.

I have to open up a little.

I have one thing in my mind... Even tho my biggest source of stress is over... I don't know how to let it go.. It is really hard.
I thought about it last night and I didn't sleep at all.. How can I leave this behind me? I would tell you what is going on but I am forbidden to. I can only say that about in a month I will get the final answer to this. And then whatever comes ahead I have to accept it. That is the scariest part.

If everything goes wrong I have to live with it the rest of my life knowing that they did not believe me, me who was telling the truth. Will truth always find its way? Will karma really give back all the bad things or not? Whatever comes ahead, I know I have to live with it. I know I have to accept it. I dont know what to do, I cant tell anyone what is going on. It's forbidden, and I am not sure will I ever get the peace in my mind.

 I just want to cleanse myself from all the bad energy that is left but what if I can't? What can I do? Forgiveness is too much. I can't forgive and forget. If things go right, can i still get over this? I'm sick of thinking about this everyday. It has already been 2 years. Everything seemed to go well, but when I heard his voice. I cried and cried. I was shaking and I felt sick to my stomach. All the bad memories, got on my mind once again. It came to my head like a film, like a really bad horror movie. I felt the fear again. No one seems to believe me because I did not react like many others would do. Just because I am not like others, they think I am lying. To me that is hurtful.

Ironically this is one of my fav songs now

Here's all I need to say now. I love ya'll


Nov 9, 2015

Need you like a drug

Heya guys!

Well.. Im not good at starting these updates so I'll cut to the chase.
I'm doing better. Just got to school after two weeks. First week too depressed to do anything and my sister and my nephew/godson moved to our place. Second week I was getting my pills fixed so I could finally live properly. (Before its too late) I think now I feel better than I did. I thought my situation was not so bad, even tho I felt really shitty all the time. I thought it would never get better. But thanks to the pills Im starting to be myself again and feel happier. Also I've been jumping around like a Duracell bunny. I started with 10mg of Ecsitalopram now Im taking 20mg. This is the first medicine in my whole 5 year treatment that has not made me feel like a zombie. Do any of you have the same medicine? I would love to hear your experiences.

About the apartment thing. No luck so far. Everyone of the apartments I've seen are too expensive or too far away. I dont want to move far away from home cause I need their support to start an independent life. I cant just crash and be an adult. It does not happen overnight, I kinda thought that I would have grown or got some random wisdom when I'm 18 but ofcourse it did not happen. Life is not a fairytale. Anyway Alexander might get a new job soon, so we could afford the apartments and other living. I'm still studying so I cant get much, and I'm way too weak to get a job and study at the same time. If I had it in me I would do it. Even tho we have to live pretty tightly.

And one other thing that is really important to me.  I know some of you think I'm being with AleXander to get money. I want to say to all of you, THAT IS NOT TRUE!
I really love him. I'm being with him cause I want to share the rest of mylife with him. Only seeing him to get along with my relatives makes me cry of happiness. I hope you all understand it now!
or atleast try to. I'm young yes, but being seriously together as a couple is not end of "free" life. It just means that I want to share the adventure called life with him. We can still go to bars and have fun. we can still travel. We can do everything, I just want to do it with him.I dont know why you all keep thinking I dont deserve love? What makes you think of that? Because I am different! Because I am myself! Could this world just open its eyes and see that differences are good?! If we all are the same, life would be super boring. Whatever you think of me or of us, you can keep to yourself unless you can say it like an adult and not just shouting anonymously. Thank you!

I know I sound selfish. That I want him all mine. But the real thing is, I want him to be mine as long as he wants to be. He will be my only one as long as he wants. I will not force anyone to be with me. I really really hope you can see that. Just please, let us be happy.

Well, thats all for now I think. I hope you get a better view of my life now. I'll get back to studying- heres a song for you to listen:
Bye now!
-Rebella xoxo