Nov 4, 2016
People in my life cannot appreciate that I'm finally learning who I truly am and what makes me truly happy. No one seems to care what I want or how I feel! Everyone just keeps telling me what I should do, what I should want and what I am supposed to be like! AND I'M SICK OF IT! No one else can tell me who I am supposed to love. No one can say who is wrong and who is Mr. Right.
Please understand I found the man of my dreams, not yours.
Some of you keep being bitter. Because I found someone I love! Some of you think it's unfair that I actually can have a person beside me. Someone who I really think I will marry someday. Why does that make some people so bitter? Cause I didn't want to lose my life being together with someone who was not right for me? Should of I be stuck with someone who clearly didn't love me, and someone I did not love? Would of it been fair to him to stay? Blocking him from finding love for himself... I don't honestly think that you have the right to tell me I'm wrong.
I'm starting to calm down. here is my message to the whole world. I'm not giving up, I'm no't living your way. I will follow MY heart and MY dreams. I'm not going to live anyone else's life. And you're not living my life for me. You're not taking me down and I will never stop fighting.
Honestly speaking. My ex tries to make my life a living hell. One thing he does not realize is that he will never succeed, no matter how many people are in his army against me. I will never stand back, He can't reach to me anymore. I kicked him out of my head and burned him out of my skin.
So feel free to try, It cannot happen. :)
Also My Boyfriend says hi!
Oct 27, 2016
I wanted to share something I just realized. And this hit me kind of hard.
Us humans have killed our instincts. We don't get "wild" anymore. We do what our brainwashed minds tells us. We do not listen to our hearts anymore. This world is going towards a meltdown. Just like us humans. What most people seem to ignore is that we are animals too. The only thing that separates us from wild animals is our ability to communicate. With communication we have built everything we have today. We try our hardest to be "happy" and what we think happiness is, is the thing media has told us. I don't believe in that shit. I think as smart animals as we are, that we have a right to decide what makes us happy. And I'm not supporting anything violent or anything against our moral standards. Men kill men every single day. Veterans have been pushed to the streets, homeless. We don't seem to appreciate anything anymore. That saddens me. My point is not that our world is completely ruined. There is much goodness left in our world. If we would start to appreciate it more, we could be happier in life. We need to understand that massproducting humanbeings is not the way to go. We are all unique. I found my soulmate who is just like me, but even we are not clones of each other. We still like different things and we respect each other. We respect the other person and his/her interests. We compliment each other, we fufill eachother.
My mind has opened, I do not believe that our world is doomed. It is not. But that is up to us. I know world war is near. Its only matter of time. Until then, we should live our lives the fullest. We are not supposed to just take the shit. We can always fight for a better life. I know its achieveable. We just need to believe in ourselves. You, who ever you are reading this now. You're perfect the way you are if you want to be like you are. Do anything that makes you happy and stop listening to haters. Always listen to the ones you love, even tho they might be wrong. You're not supposed to do as anyone says. But be respectful that they even care and try to tell their opinion. Remember to listen, and respect. Also remember that you're worth more than you think. You can reach the stars if you work enough and work for yourself. Live your dream, but don't do it for anyone else.
I think this is enough for a one post- I'll give you a selfie just to make you feel happier :3
Oct 13, 2016
Love is not when you are (with) someone who tries to change the things the other one loves.
Love is not when you are an object to be owned.
Love is not forcing someone to feel this or that.
Love is not when you use someone shamelessly.
Love is not when things go wrong, and you decide to payback.
Love is never body shaming.
Love is never controlling.
Love is not when you lust someone so much that their feelings don't matter.
Love is not constant pain caused by the other.
Love is not constant fear.
Love is never over-jealousy.
Love does NOT break your spirit.
Love is taking care of yourself, at least for the other one beside you.
Love is not endless promises.
Love is not getting mad, when someone feels sad.
Love is not forcing someone to be there.
These might sound obvious to you. Unfortunately it is not. I had a relationship like that. I thought it was right, and something normal. It was not. It nearly killed me, I stayed cause I thought I loved it. I actually hated my life. That is the truth. I don't know who's to blame. Maybe neither, maybe both. I don't care. I'm happy now. Now I know what love is not like.
When you love for real, you know it.
Oct 8, 2016
I apologize to all of my friends that I have been ignoring you and not shown you the love I have for you. I have not answered your messages, I have not asked how are you. I have not taken the time to appreciate our relationships as friends. I am incredibly thankful that you have not abandoned me and haven't stop believing in me as person even now that I have been fucking things quite hardly up.
I don't ask for a relieve, I ask and beg for a forgiveness. I truly am sorry, and you can name anything that I need to do to make you believe how truly sorry I am. Friendships should be held tighter and not just take for granted.
I apologize to my parents. I have been quite a rotten daughter to you, I have not shown my appreciation towards all the thing you have sacrificed because of my benefit. I know you only want to help me, and I tend to throw a tandrum when you try to guide me to the right path in my life. I am sorry I haven't been home, I'm sorry I haven't been there to help around the house. I'm sorry I have taken you for granted. I understand that not everyone has as loving parents as I do and I am proud to belong in our family. I thank you for so much, I thank you for taking me back to live with you even tho I am supposed to be a grown-up now. I still feel like a little girl who is lost in this world. Thank you for your love and guidance.
I apologize to my brothers. To my older brothers I want to say I am sorry for being a brat and whining about seeing you. I'm sorry I've been annoying to you when I have been missing you. I really do miss the both of you. I want you to know that. I also apologize to my little brother. I am sorry I haven't been there for you. I know you need my support since you are having a hard time, I'm sorry I haven't took the time to sit down and talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't spent time with you. I love all of you so so much. Thank you for being my brothers.
I apologize to my sister. I am sorry I haven't helped you when you have been in need. I'm sorry I haven't been there to support you and your son. I'm sorry I can't help you financially. I'm really sorry I can't be everything you want me to. Thank you for all the things you've done for me.
I apologize to a special person. I am sorry I can't tell the world. I am sorry I can't say your name. I am sorry for not given for all the love you deserve, I'm sorry I haven't listened or held you when I should. I thank you so much, for finding me. For giving me the strength I needed to start to find my true self. Thank you for opening up my eyes. Thank you for showing me the beauty that is left, thank you for being there for me even when I didn't deserve it. Thank you for all of these 6 years. I love you.
I apologize to the world. I apologize for my hate towards you that was unjustified. I have started to see all the beauty that I thought was dead. I apologize for all the times I have been littering and shown no care. I thank you, for holding up all the crap that me and us humans tend to do. I think even the world should not be taken for granted.
I truly love you all, I hope its not too late to apologize. Thank you for making my life worth living. <3
Oct 6, 2016
I have been under a rock for couple of weeks now, not even sure have I been thinking or have I been running away from my thoughts. However it may be, I want to explain myself a little.
Me and AleXander are no longer together. I'm not going to get into any major details, cause my point is to hurt no one. Simply we were not happy anymore and decided to quit, before we both get incredibly miserable. We decided to move on and because of that my life has been extremely different. There is tons of things to do even when I feel like I have no strength to do anything. Well. All I can say is that my life will change radically and I need some time to make things right again.
For the past two years I've lived a life which had no-purpose. I was just surviving and that's not what I want from my life. It has been extremely rough time, but I know over time I will survive this. I know I'm not alone but my brain tries to make me feel lonely and alone, I'm a victim of my own brain. Do you know what it is like when you see your dreams slowly die, and you can do nothing about it because you have promised something? I say, sometimes you need to break a promise to get yourself straight and feeling well. Even then when it will hurt like hell. I never wanted to hurt you. But I had to. Some of you might think its extremely selfish act, some of you might say I'm strong for defending myself. I have no opinion on that, all I know is that It had to be done.
Life is not for surviving only. its called life, so you could actually LIVE your life. You need more experiences, more travelling, more things to try, more things to see. Life is constant learning and what you go trough determines who you are. You are an individual. No one can come to you and say your opinion on something is wrong, because you have a human right to make your own opinions about anything in life. There is so much different styles of life, you know why? Because no one likes everything the same! I know it might be obvious to some of you, but what I have learned that people need to be reminded.
Honestly, these past couple of weeks have made me mad to this world. How everything got this sad, miserable, and wrong? Little children are being manipulated to be tiny version of their parents and forbidden to make their own opinions, and media has taken everyone into this awful web of lies. My opinion on all of this is that everything has two sides. I'm really sick of people not waking up to the truth about this world, we are killing ourselves and everything around us because we want to be what media tells us to be. THAT SEEMS REALLY WRONG TO ME! Don't be offended about my opinions, well ofcourse I will make someone mad because this is internet. Like I said, no one has the same opinions so what I am typing here, might offend you. Im not sorry. I have a right to my opinion just as much as you have.
Also let me explain what I mean by the "right to your opinion" You can think inside of your head whatever you please, anything, but you actually need to think is that should you bring your opinion out. "Is my opinion something that could really hurt someone?" "Should I tell that girl next to me that I hate her shirt?" Whatever your opinion is, we should try to keep it to ourselves if its straight for hurting someone. We should atleast TRY to be nice to eachother, no one can survive alone.
*Sigh* My point is. You have a right to love and hate anything you please. But you do NOT have right to hurt anyone. Accidents do happen. then you tell that person that you are sorry. We need more forgiveness in this world.
All I know for sure right now is that life will get better if you decide so. We have such a huge power in us if we just break our chains and let it be free.
I think this was all I had to say now. I love you all! and... Thank you <3
Also shoutout to my bestest friend ever PAWI!<3 Thank you for opening up my eyes <2 I love you so much!! <3
Aug 10, 2016
Today lets try to concentrate on the positive, I will vlog you later about the few problems I had. That will explain why there has not been more vlogs in the whole summer.
First of all I started to make myself healthier for real this time. I eat little bit better and I exercise. Thats pretty much only because of Pokémon Go. I love that game! Always been a fan of Pokémon and now this game has changed my life. My weight actually has risen a bit, which makes me a bit concerned but I will wait and see. Not everything happens immediately and losing weight with my genes is going to be a tough journey. Im not sure how many there are to support me but atleast I have one person who is there. Im glad of that.
Today I went back to school (like the title might have told you) and this is kinda wierd feeling for me. I still have no idea of my class, and the school has none either. It will all get clear next monday. I hope. I will try harder this year and you know what they say, third time is the charm, right?
Anyway, I will try my absolute best and if it still does not work out, I know it is time for a change. People have told me that it is all up to me. I know it is, but what they don't realise is that, this whole school thing is not easy for me at all. Anxiety makes it almost like living hell, and takes about my whole energy of the day. I slept 24h before I came to school, even thought of school drained my energy completely. Tomorrow I will try even harder.
I still work, even though I started to study. The job is something I can do wherever and whenever. So Im sure I can manage that. Financially we are still unstabel, and no idea how it will get better. Every secong of everyday, I try my best to fix all that. Me being in school is doing some help.
Also during the summer, I got some help for me. To my depression and anxiety but it is not going smoothly either. I had no visits to my nurse in a moth and during that time, it got worse. I was in bed all the time, basically living in there. This month though I'm sure everything will get better as long as I don't give up. Life can be good, even for me, and I know it. I just need to try. Im kinda lost in my thoughts. What is my number one priority? I have no idea, maybe trying to make a stable future for myself. Maybe.
This was all I have to for now. If you have any questions, or concerns. Leave a comment, and I will answer.
Bye now loves.
Jan 23, 2016
I don't know why.. but nowadays I can't sleep at nights. My boyfriend works only night shifts so I am home alone at night. Everytime I go to sleep, My mind starts to play tricks on me or I start to panic with no reason. I am ridiculously tired and I take my sleeping pills but everytime I'm about to fall asleep, I jump awake with my heart racing,feeling like a steamtrain in my chest. I usually wear blindfolds at night so different kinds of lights wouldn't bother me, and to keep myself from staring at random objects. If I try to wear them now, I freak out because I can not see around me.. I have no legit reason for this, but it's really really messing up my life. I have no idea how to fix it, and I am not sure should I see a doctor about this. I have tried to sleep with a nightlight on, because I thought I might be subconsciously afraid of the dark. I always find myself tense and unable to relax at nights. What the heck I am supposed to do..?
Jan 20, 2016
If you ask how is it going with me and AleXander now that we live together and I have to say I could not wish for a better start. We both try our best to understand eachother, and we have not argued at all. only tiny tiny normal things, don't worry its not too perfect to send me in a land of fairytales. Ofc, I am stressing like crazy but I am pretty sure that it is normal. Atleast in my situation.
There is all I gotta say right now so I'll just add couple of random pictures here and I will head off to sleep.
Jan 1, 2016
Hey my lovelies! And happy new year! 2016!
My year will start with me moving together with my love AleXander! Omg, yay. I am exited and scared at the same time. My room is still not ready and not packed completely.. oh god. I will move tomorrow. O.o
And I just realized that we dont have any plates or utensils. (Oops) Well. There is time and I most likely will get some stuff from my family and friends. My grandmothers have already some things for us!
Oh and christmas was also great! I got only stuff that we need for real. Nothing that we wouldnt have a usage for.
So I'll post a longer update whenever I get the time to. LOVE YOU ALL AND THANK YOU FOR 2015! ♡